Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Body Issues

Today I have no idea. None. I feel like I used to have an idea. I lost it. I have no idea where it went, and I need it. I am mad that it left. I do not know who the hell I am.

I look in the mirror and often I am not happy with who I see. I feel too big, too small, too fat, too muscly, not muscly enough, plain, old, worn, average, butch, unfeminine.. unfocused..

Something is beating on my ego, my identity as a woman... I don't know if it is my age, my skin, my hair, my lack of feminine luxuries (ie getting my nails done) my loss of some important relationships, or the size of my arms, flat chest, the loss of my long-term job due to layoffs.. but I'm feel lost... physically irrelevant...

Maybe this is something I just need to learn how to put in prospective.. I mean all I see are gym peeps.. there is always someone better, stronger, prettier, and that should be and IS fine.. but is that why my head is a mess?

I don't know what to do, and saying my appearance is not important is crap. It is. I care about it. A lot. Too much? Maybe, but I know myself and who cares.. I just do.

“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.” 
~Marilyn Monroe

Friday, March 28, 2014

Goals for 2014...better late than never!

Yes, I admit, I do it too... I make New Year's resolutions. I find the turn of the year counter a motivating reminder that this is a new opportunity... a new "my year". Don't get me wrong, I am not the type to save and store new ideas for occasions such as this... but I do enjoy taking that turn of the calendar to see where I have come, and now in the new year, where I want to go; where I intentionally want to place my feet.

This year, I put off my goal setting.

Life has been shaken like a snow globe... all the pieces seemed to be flying everywhere. I didn't know what I wanted to do, didn't want to think logically through the mess... I was still in crisis intervention mode, head down, focusing on each 'next step' in an effort to not slip, keep to the trail, and wait for the storm to settle. In moments when I had opportunities to sit down and think, I procrastinated... found distractions... something that had to be done.

Finally on March 15, I told myself in a stern inside voice (you must know the one) "Enough! Just (explicative) do it, already!" The time had come. Pen in hand, I set out to define my Top 10 of 2014. In the end, it ended up being a worthy 11, but hey, we are going for function here, not perfection!

Here they are. (drum roll please) My Top 11 Goals of 2014

1) Keep training, with emphasis on weekly back/shoulder/leg sessions. 
Success looks like: Noted improvements at SWFC

2) Eat for vitality and not for 'Mmm' or to enjoy it as a hobby or drug. 
Success looks like not getting over 20 lb away from competition weight

3) Sell my house.
Success looks like: Me working with the realitor weekly until house is gone (done!)

4) take OUT more than I bring IN. 
Success looks like: Getting rid of everything I have not used or looked at in the last year

5) Carve out time do things I know I need to do but don't want to... and honour that appointment. (i.e bills, house stuff, taxes, stretching)
Success looks like me deciding on a concrete time for this and physically checking it off every week.

6) Cut spending (goes with #4). Do not confuse wants and needs.
Success looks like: Only buying new once the old is done and its not practical to buy used or borrow.

7) Have fun without spending more than $20 for the family. Laugh hard every day.
Success looks like: do something that revs myself every day. Write what I did in a happy moment reminder paper at the end of each day...

8) Work on my writing goals. Finally.Success looks like: Carving out a concrete time for this weekly and checking it off my list.

9) Never get up before 10 on a Sunday (unless its for an epic fun day trip)
Success looks like: ^^^

10) Minimize electronics (except music)
Success looks like: Never having the TV on as background noise. Only watching one show a day. Not being on Facebook between 5:30 and 9... (oh oh)

11) Camp this year.
Success looks like: Planning when/where to camp now and saving for it monthly if needed.


To date I am proud of my improvements to 1,2,3 8 and 10. 
I am having the most trouble with 6, 7 and 10. I have printed out this goal sheet, and have it posted on my fridge...I will let you know how I do as we go on! 

How about you? What are your major goals for 2014??
If you would like, tell me about them below!

You are never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream. ~ C. S. Lewis