Today I have no idea. None. I feel like I used to have an idea. I lost it. I have no idea where it went, and I need it. I am mad that it left. I do not know who the hell I am.
I look in the mirror and often I am not happy with who I see. I feel too big, too small, too fat, too muscly, not muscly enough, plain, old, worn, average, butch, unfeminine.. unfocused..
Something is beating on my ego, my identity as a woman... I don't know if it is my age, my skin, my hair, my lack of feminine luxuries (ie getting my nails done) my loss of some important relationships, or the size of my arms, flat chest, the loss of my long-term job due to layoffs.. but I'm feel lost... physically irrelevant...
Maybe this is something I just need to learn how to put in prospective.. I mean all I see are gym peeps.. there is always someone better, stronger, prettier, and that should be and IS fine.. but is that why my head is a mess?
I don't know what to do, and saying my appearance is not important is crap. It is. I care about it. A lot. Too much? Maybe, but I know myself and who cares.. I just do.
“Wanting to be someone else is a waste of the person you are.”