I feel like my internal pressure to achieve and feel connected has brought up some interesting stumbling blocks for me. The first 2 weeks of this journey were simple; start to declutter, put down routines, and see what I pick back up. I knew what I had to do, what questions I wanted to ask, and what I was hoping to find at the end of this.
Like some starts, after the initial push to actually act, it was easy. I had energy, enough consumer waste around my house to make decluttering easy, and enough surface social activities that weeding them out gave me instant time back in my day to refocus on important relationships. I was doing good... I was on my way.
Enter one more week. My internal thinker is starting to say different things.
- You am bored.
- You don't feel fulfilled.
- You are not getting the quality of conversation you were hoping would fill the blank spaces.
- What if you are throwing away good enough and great doesn't arrive?
- What if you end up alone?
- What are you going to fill your time up with?
- How will you maintain your relevance to others. Yup. That again.
- Maybe you should just stop, and get your butt back in that gym working on your body instead. You can control that and it blocks out all these thoughts.
I am finding myself searching outward for solutions. I am feeling panicked and seem to be collecting self help mind clutter as a solution. I have explored a number of routes to take and half taken many of them, instead of discerning their worth to me and choosing one or two to serve as a guide to my own internal compass. It all feels a little desperate and surface. Sound like a familiar pattern?
Remembering what has stabilized me in the past, I have started to listen to some guided morning meditations. Admittedly, this has been somewhat half-hearted (see above). My hope is that in delivering some intentional, positive reaffirmations, my quasi focused brain will uncover a useful tool or insight to assist me in refinding my footing in a meaningful direction. Since this is still an observation period for me, I am trying not to be hard on my lack of commitment, but just observe, asking questions such as: Where did I go to seek out enlightenment? What themes did I seek out? What was I feeling was I experiencing when I decided this was/was not not the meditation for me?
After my meditation YouTube yesterday from Hay House Presents, an interview came on with a few of the teachers, speakers and authors from that group. I heard something that I have since gone back to about 4 or 5 times. "No amount of self improvement can make up for lack of self aceptance." BAM. Here it is. Me. Where I am.
Okay, Jenn. Here it is. Again. Your wall. Your furthest point. I have chosen friends based on this. I have choosen jobs based on this. I choose partners based on this. I choose activities based on this. I too often let this stretch my internal value system, so that I can control what another perceives about me. Maybe it comes from my uber religious childhood, where I was taught to judge and align myself lest I go to hell with the planet, my time as a child when neither my parents, foster system (I was a ward of the government), or group homes wanted me, only a street that ebbed and flowed between accepting me and wanting to eat me alive. Maybe it was the way my virginity was stolen in a bathroom when 13, as well as the time after that, a month later. Maybe it was all of those things. OR maybe its just my attachment to my story; to things that had more to do with other people than me. Maybe those things are gone, and I can give my mind permission to release them.
Here is another quote I heard in that same video. "Self sabotage is simply misguided self love."
I think I know where I need to go this week.
This Week's Goal: Meditate every morning and evening, using Hay House Affirmation Meditations. I am narrowing my own field to only Hay House, so that I don't redo what I did last week which is let the riptides of my old habits keep me shopping around, and not doing the real work. Join me in listening here, if you would like!
Let's see what this week brings for us!
"No amount of self improvement can make up for lack of self aceptance."